Happy Mother's day!

So I am back again today, and after speaking to my mother yesterday(yes..my mom, you will hear A LOT about her ) she pointed out to me that there were some spelling errors in my verry first blog. So If there is like a Blog or Grammar police, could you le me off with a warning?I'm working with a handicap here, When I use both hands to type my left hand hits the caps lock button alllllll the time and, well one handed is just not the most ideal way to do it, but as with most things in my life post stroke I'm learning to adapt.

1 of the ways I chose to do that is with humor. That however is not a big personality change for me, I do think think however that it was a suprise for people who know me when then came to see me in hospital #1 in Southfield to find me cracking jokes.at this point people are probably wondering what the hell I could find very funny about Going to the hospital at 24, having a massive stroke that damaged 3 lobes of my brain and paralyzed my entire left side of my body, going untreated, having at least part of this be preventable, and now having my family fighting like cats and dogs. Well I'm going to tell you.

(1st Remember that I said that it was my Left side that is paralyzed) Lets set the scene, me in hospital bed funky goo in my hair making it stck up like the bride of frankenstien from an EEG. My Aunt sitting on a clean unused commode chair (freestanding toilet with arms for those of you who don't know) my mom in the far left corner of the room , so in my world post stroke at least at that point, not in the room, An my Husband ,cousin,mother and father-in-law were all some where in the room and my sister -in-law was trying to spoon feed me? Whew thefact that I even remember that 1\2 of them were there is amazing but anyway on to where the humor is.

You have to understand that most of these people cant stand eachother so while my mom can't walk up and smack my sister-in-law for spoon feeding me like a child (even though she likely would have resorted totrying to feed me that wat her self if given the chance) she can find something or somene to pick at, she picks a nurse to complain too and get this, her complaint....the controls on the left side of the bed don't work. So this poor nurse who is trained to just keep her mouth shut is looking at her like umare you serious? When I chime in with" uh mom, I don't really think that's a concern for them when the left side of me doesn't work" everyone laughed but mom and the nurse, I think the nurse laughed later. When I finally read through my medical records I found entries for days like these that stated things like inappropriate behavior.

Inappropriate behavior? Who determines what is or is not appropriate behavior for someone after a traumatic event? I don't think my humor was the inappropriate behavior they should have been worried about, that should have been encouraged, and don't get me wrong, by some it was, but most were wary of it. They should have been worried about my anger, and yes the humor covered up some of it but I let a whole lot of it out! I haven't stopped since. See the Humor gave me a shield to hide behind and the Anger was my weapon to fight with, except as I said yesterday I was hiding from myself, and instead of my family and I fighting together we were fighting one another I was looking for revenge against doctor's who didn't see what was right in front of their faces. Who didn't hear what I was screaming at them, who didn't listen to what their colleagues told them, and in fighting for all of those things, I was tearing myself apart.

I was thinking about all of this last night, and I don't claim to be world wise, or phillisophical, or even insightful. I am no saint, I don't think that I will be able to chang over night but If I can take baby steps then I am winning. See what I was thinking about was that everyday I make lists, what do I have to do today? I check my many calanders. I make my many appointments. I check and I re check. I plan for tomorrow, And when tomorrow comes I worry that I may have forgotten something yesterday. Now how much fuckin sense does that make to you? But we all do it don't we? An what happens... when we've planned so much and tommorrow doesn't come? is it really worth it? I was 24 I got the chance to find out and it wasn't, an I tell myself every day I'll just do this one last thing then i'll take the kids for a walk, or I just have to get this homework done and we'll go to the park, and that 1 more thing turns into 2 and 3 and 4. We let to many things distract us, we waste our 2nd and 3rd chances to fix things.
Are we really such a dense species that we think we get a never ending supply of chances? I guess I don't. So On that Note It's Mother's Day!!!!! This is my 1 last thing, I am dressed my shoes are on and I am walking out the door to play with my kids!!! Times a wasting guys!! have a good one ! happy mothers day

Find some way to laugh through the tears!!!!!