Just to clarify

On my way home from dropping my son off I realized that my earlier post may have sounded a Little harsh or judgemental, I would like to state here and now for all the world to see, I do not blame my father, nor do I hold him responsible for my medical condition!
My Father and I have issues that are our own which are no body's business but our own and I will not discuss them on here. I will say that Again, while I don't hold him responsible, I also don't agree with his choice to ignore the situation. But that is where Choice comes back into play doesn't it? Every one has a right to make their own choice, and we have to respect their right to do so. I Agree with that, which is why I choose to not keep quiet, to share my information, and to get as many facts about this condition and it's affects as possible.
See we don't get to choose what DNA to pass on( I'm not touching that discussion with a 10 ft pole) so you can't hold your parents responsible for shitty genetics. it happens, I get High risk factors for, Cholesterol, diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, fibrocystic breast disease, factor V Leiden mutation, I'm sure there are a couple cancers, depression, ovarian cysts, and God only knows what else, Thanks Mom and Dad! But what can they do about any of that......
Not a damn thing, It's a risk they were willing to take by having kids, you know you're going to take chances, so you prepare... You know that eventually you're kids will be crossing the street so you teach them to look both ways before doing so, you give them the information.
They can't pick and choose the genes but they can prepare us for the risks of what all of it means, just like crossing the road, you may get hit by a car....... chances are you probably won't, but there is a chance so they give you the information you need to be prepared, JUST IN CASE. So why should our health, our DNA, our body be any different? That is what I was trying to say. you gave us these bodies, this is a mixture of YOUR ingredients, how the hell am I supposed to know what went in the mix, all I'm asking for is the recipe, so when the batter comes out screwed up we have somewhere to start looking.
I hope that makes as much sense to any one who reads it as it did when it was still in my head.

a little more about Factor V Cause everyones always got something to say

So I will apologize in advance if today's writing is a little on the UN-organized side, my mind is everywhere and I am still in the habit of writing as if I was writing with my trusty old pen and journal. Today may sound like I am whining or just having a tantrum, I may be, but I also may find a method in my own madness so lets see....

My day was okay for the most part, I pulled a typical me and apparently entered the wrong time for my appointment at the neurologist in my blackberry so the kids and I arrived an hour early. Not A complete catastrophe, (the hour could have been used more wisely had I thought to bring my school work with me to study, but I didn't think I would have the time, HA!) So we were an hour and 15 minutes early.Not to worry We walked through the tunnel all the way over to the brand new in patient rehab building to see some of the people who I know which was nice, until our talking ran late, we took the wrong elevator and had to try (try being the operative word here) to run.. I DO NOT RUN..it's not possible.. back through the tunnel to make it to my appointment on time. We barely make it,the doc See's me, we adjust some meds around, no biggie. Now you have to understand something. This is the ONLY doctor we trust now. Everything gets run past her and her nurse. Not my primary MD, my neurologist. This is the woman who will call me and calm me down when I have had a panic attack, run an MRI to make my mom or husband feel better, or do a cross reference on medication to quadruple check that none of it will have any side effects that we do not know about because of my blood condition. She goes above and beyond what normal doctors do to make a patient feel safe and healthy, through a year and then some of telling doctor's I was in severe pain, seeing pt's, ot's, massage therapists, having, MRI's, CT's, they were all ready to call me crazy, al of them except my neurologist. God love my mom and my husband who were very, VERY supportive, but even they were starting to suspect it was in my head. Until my Neuro ordered an EMG OUCH by the way!! and they realized.... HMMM she's not crazy. So now I get these injections that are supposed to block the pain signals that get sent automatically through my nervous system. to hard to explain. Anyways, all of that was to explain that seeing her is not a reason for me to be wary or get worked up, most people get anxious, I like going to see her, she has faith in my ability to research my condition and we work together to find a good solution. so anyway we adjusted one of my meds to a higher frequency to see if that would help me with my "tone"
(not singing tone, nothing will help with that, I have jumpy muscles, that if I try to make my arm straight you can actually watch it start shaking. not the technical way to explain it at all but for anyone who has no idea that should give you a visual, even better , it makes me so stiff I look like a robot if the meds aren't working when I try to move, and then mom and my hubby are always saying, relax you shoulder, your walking from your hip again, hehehe , I love them, and they know it) So any way We\she is thinking more pills more often may help, you know keep the level of the drug in my blood at a constant in my system? I don't know but that's the best alternative at the moment without adding extra( and by extra I mean new) medications.
When I came home from the hospital I was on almost 18 different prescriptions, I had 3 different pill organizers labeled am, afternoon, and pm. I have slowly but surely been able to wheedle my way down to the essentials so that almost exactly 2 years later I now take 12 , and you can combine 2 of them because the insurance company wont cover a certain medication so I have to take 2 pills to make 1, so really it's 11. 2 are not prescription, but are still mandatory so only 9 and all of them are less frequent, I still have a case to carry pills in for my purse and an alarm set to remind me to take them or believe me I will regret it, my morning or what I like to call my Breakfast is now only coffee and 3pills 4 if I'm having nerve pain, lunch is 2 (+1 if nerve pain) before bed is when the pill organizer comes in 10(+1 if in pain) and I also have the added option of motrin 800 when needed. the +1's next to the counts are for the medicine that will confuse the nerve signals, and the theory is that it will block the pain. I HAVE to take at least 1 a day to keep the drug in my system, however depending on how bad the pain is you then determine weather or not extra doses need to be added, this is not a pain killer and has no immediate effect, it's more like aloe on a sunburn, it makes me sick to my stomach at first, but after getting used to it you notice that it's doing it's job.
If I am thinking clearly only 1 other pill is actually optional and that is the heartburn\acid reflux pill, funny thing, that was never a problem until they gave me 18 different medications to take, now it's meds to fix the problems the other meds cause. All of the other's though are MANDATORY, WITH SEVERE CONSEQUENCES FOR NOT TAKING THEM, like .. not living!
Starting with, Asprin funny huh... those who know me are probably rolling their eyes going stop being so mellow dramatic, like a woman from my class last night, We were talking about vitamin K. (this helps your body produce platelets, allowing blood to clot etc.) when babies are born they are given a sot of vit K immediately. because you produce this vitamin from bacteria in your stomach , babies are in a sterile environment when born, no bacteria, yadayada. My question was, Could you cause damage by giving Vitamin K to a newborn who has a genetic condition like Factor V Leiden mutation? I though this was a good question. So she says " most people go there whole live without ever knowing they have it, it's not really that big of a deal, my daughter has it, we would have never known except she had to have heart surgery... she has to take half an aspirn every other day, that's it"
My response to this is that, she's right, most people go their entire life never knowing anything was ever wrong, until something is, and then it's to late. Women who have this can have miscarriage after miscarriage,people can have heart attacks, strokes, lose limbs all because they had a condition they didn't know about, a clot formed, stuck somewhere, the doctor didn't know what they were looking at, and then, well then.. Then it effects everything. Factor V Leiden mutation means I will never be able to take hormone replacement, I should have never been on birth control, It means that every medication( even over the counter) I put into my body that has a warning about stroke or heart attack, that now applies to me, It means that on hot days I HAVE to make sure to drink a ton of water, it means that every risk factor for you equals 5 for me, it means I may have unknowingly passed on this gene to my children. (side note... My kids have been tested 2 times both are negative!!!)It also means I will never be able to get life insurance to be able to provide for my family in the event of a tragedy, Health insurance companies can deny me, or charge me high rates, this is not something that you just take an asprin for and forget about it.
I would also like to say that because someone thought like her, ( my father's family)they didn't do the research, they didn't inform their children, I was unaware that this was even a possibility. I found all of this out After I had had my stroke, After the damage had been done. I had an aunt I never knew, with a condition I never knew about, which I would bet she never knew about, who died from this condition, From a blood clot that went to her brain.
You see Factor V Leiden mutation causes my blood to have more (pro)-thrombin (sticky stuff) on my platelets then your average person so when I cut my leg shaving and it only bled for a sec I never thought any thing of it, well I'm kicking myself now. I'm not saying everyone who doesn't bleed like a stuck pig go out and get tested but I think you get my drift. So even though I am only 26 5'2" tall and around 135lbs I take 325 mg of enteric coated aspirin daily and right now that is debatable as to whether or not that is enough. I take enough asprin to bleed out a 350lb man and parts of my blood still may not be thin enough ... I am a medical cunundrum!!! See the thing is, my doctor's and I DO NOT FOR ANY REASON want to put me on Cumidin or warfarin because well then, on top of everything else I have to fit into my schedule I would have to fit in weekly visits to the lab to get my blood drawn... my mother would be smacking me right now...
The MAIN reason we don't want to do it is because the risks are to great, a fall to hard that knocks my head and the next thing you know I have a brain bleed, A shaving cut that won't stop and I'm in the er for a transfusion because I've lost to much blood, and ask my husband, sister and mom, I cut my legs A LOT when I'm shaving. So although my blood would be thin enough would it be too thin and could I be careful enough.
As for the factor V itself. I said earlier, My children do not have it, but it is genetic, which means it came from somewhere right? Well it came from my Father (we call him the sperm donor) it came from his genetic contribution, thanks...for that BTW, so anyways, the man wont get tested, refuses to tell my cousins excetera, so that task is left up to me, I have tried and con- tinue to do the best that I can. however my task now with all of the research that I have done is to keep My sister and my 2 nieces and nephew who are all positive for the mutation, and anyone else informed as best as I possibly can.
I continue to research because medicine continues to amaze me, I knew nothing about factor V until it effected me, now what I know could fill a small book, an just to keep any one else thinking 6% of Caucasian women have some form ( heterozygous,(1 mutated gene) homozygous(2mutated genes) ) I am not advocating people running out and demanding genetic testing, and I remind you it IS GENETIC testing, results of the test will be shared with, insurance companies, life insurance companies all kinds of things can happen. Think carefully, especially if you are having your children tested, for me there was no choice, I had to know I would not risk their health because of insurance regulations. For some that may be an issue.
Had my doctor's known more about the condition, and it is a condition not a disease, it can not be contracted, passed, or cured, only managed, they may have tested me sooner. They may have recognized my migraines, and unbelievable exhaustion before my menses for symptom's of something bigger instead of just pms. All of this may have been prevented If the sperm donor had swallowed his prejudice, his pride, and had a conversation instead of ignoring the obvious.
I guess in all of my rambling and whining my point that I have to make is that Yes, for some 1 thing may never be an issue, it may hide in the background of your life and never cause you pain, or injustice, but would you take that risk when then to prevent disaster all you had to do was admit the possibility of an imperfection in your gene pool and submit to parting with 1 tube of blood, you could probably have the scenario of the woman from my class, walking through life an asprin a day never a problem.
I Wish that it was that simple for every one, and for those of us who don't have it that simple.... We are a little bit lucky, cause we get to feel good about saving your asses.. ( sorry that was petty I know, but the nerve of some people!) Alright I have to take my son to school, and inform My sister and my uncle about a Vitamin K issue, I'm sure I'll be back later!! Have a great day~!!!!

"I'm going to cry worser" a threat from my almost 7 year old

Good Monday morning!
Yesterday was catastrophe free as far as I can tell, strawberry pancakes with bacon for breakfast followed by an afternoon with the kids and my hubby plus the dogs (2 golden retrievers 1 male "Hunter the wonder mutt" 3 yrs old and 1 female "Riley the piggies" 6 months) and a good book in what is still for the moment MY back yard.
The kids wore out the puppy!!! This would be exciting to you if you knew her because this has NEVER been done!! It was actually a very skilled little operation on their part if I do say so myself , on kid in front of the dog to distract her waving the arms wildly usually my daughter(she's the slowest easier prey for the dog) she would let the dog jump on her and then my son would attack from behind and both kids would wrestle whatever toy they wanted away from the puppy. pretty smart for a 4 year old and a 6 and a n 3\4 yr old.
An after that Grilled Steaks and potatoes Where I had no dishes to clean up!!! My hubby did all the work. Kids in bed by 8:30 , I let the hubby off for good behavior to play a celebratory game of poker with the guys (some one's girlfriend is expecting a baby?) and I curled up with a book.
You are now probably thinking what the hell is the title of this post about then... hehehe
This morning I wake up and my kids are dressed and ready to go, my husband ready to walk out the door. Everything is ready for me I just have to get dressed to drop my daughter at school, so as I am making my coffee she comes to me to show me that she has one of those littlest pet shop puppies in her jacket pocket to take to school with her. She and I have been over this a hundred times so as I inwardly groan and take a deep breath and count to ten I tell her Paige you know the rule please put that back in you room and then come back out here and see m so we can get your back pack ready. With A frown an a Boo boo lip to rival all others my little girl turns and sulks down the hall like an inmate on the green mile but comes out hands in pockets smirk on face.
Oh boy Monday morning I have a doctors appointment in Ann Arbor @ kids to deal with at school studying for a test tonight among other things and the crap is going to start at ooohhh I look at the clock 7:43 am. I said Paige show me your hands, she does her classic huff and eye roll, now if you knew my kid you would be laughing and going oh crap right about now saying this is classic because she is a clone of me. however this is not good when I have the Patience of a 2 year old, But I tried something different the other night and I wanted to see if it would work again. an yes this all plays back to the stroke just bear with me here.
So of course she's got the dog in her hand, I take it, she starts crying. our normal routine would usually go something like this... I take it , she cry's(loudly), I yell, she crys louder, i yell louder, she screams, i scream, she gets sent to room, doors slam, she gets grounded.
Today though it went like this, I took the toy, she cried.I calmly waited for her to get to a level of volume where she could hear my voice. I then asked her to stop. She did. I explained my reasons for not wanting her to have the toy at school and told her she could have it back when she got home and that lying is unacceptable.
at first she seemed to understand and then get this ... the kid threatened to CRY HARDER!!!
Now anyone who knows me knows that #1 I don't handle threats from anyone well and #2 threats from my own children don't end well for them. So Please give me many many round of applause for what I did next because man I so rocked this one!!!
So I turned around cause I laughed, then I turned back to her and I said (oooo this is so good)
You can cry as hard as you want and I am still not going to change my mind, my answer will still be no, but now my answer will be no and you will have made us late for school and you will probably be grounded for lying and throwing a fit, or you can realize that although your not going to change my mind you will still get your toy back when you get home from school, and you can stop crying right now we can wash your face and get you off to school , no dog, no attitude, no grounding?
She stopped, looked a little confused (kinda like duh?) and said, with a smile mind you, will you help me wash my face? and I took her to school, without the attitude, without the tears, and without the toy and I did it all without getting Angry.

Now how does this have anything to do with my stroke? My God!!! It has Everything to do with it but don't feel bad I was to dense to figure it out too!!LOL. I can cry, kick, scream, yell. rage, get angry, and none of that changes the answer. I had a Stroke. Why? Because I have Factor V Lieden Mutation that I didn't know about. Why? Because my dad's an asshole. can I change that by doing any of those things ? nope.
Why didn't the Doctor's do anything? I don't know.. maybe because I'm young, and yelling and screaming is calling the wrong kind of attention to myself. at this point I just want young people to be educated, To be armed With knowledge, not armed for attack either, armed for protection.

Don't get me wrong crying and yelling , kicking and screaming, are all very therapeutic(not to be used as threats) and I've done more than my fair share of them but after your voice gives out and your tears dry out what message have you left?

okay okay I found some of the Coolest Quotes the other day and they really stuck with me so I'm sharing, Again Take what I have , Keep only what you want!!!

Never take a persons dignity: it is worth everything to them and nothing to you- Frank Barron

He who does not have the courage to speak up for his rights cannot earn the respect of others-Rene. G. Torres.

Our inner strengths, experiences, and truths, cannot be lost, destroyed, or taken away, every person has an in born worth an can contribute to the community. we all can treat one another with dignity and respect, provide opportunities to grow toward our fullest lives an help one another discover an develop our unique gifts. we each deserve this and can extend it to others.- AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Happy Mother's day!

So I am back again today, and after speaking to my mother yesterday(yes..my mom, you will hear A LOT about her ) she pointed out to me that there were some spelling errors in my verry first blog. So If there is like a Blog or Grammar police, could you le me off with a warning?I'm working with a handicap here, When I use both hands to type my left hand hits the caps lock button alllllll the time and, well one handed is just not the most ideal way to do it, but as with most things in my life post stroke I'm learning to adapt.

1 of the ways I chose to do that is with humor. That however is not a big personality change for me, I do think think however that it was a suprise for people who know me when then came to see me in hospital #1 in Southfield to find me cracking jokes.at this point people are probably wondering what the hell I could find very funny about Going to the hospital at 24, having a massive stroke that damaged 3 lobes of my brain and paralyzed my entire left side of my body, going untreated, having at least part of this be preventable, and now having my family fighting like cats and dogs. Well I'm going to tell you.

(1st Remember that I said that it was my Left side that is paralyzed) Lets set the scene, me in hospital bed funky goo in my hair making it stck up like the bride of frankenstien from an EEG. My Aunt sitting on a clean unused commode chair (freestanding toilet with arms for those of you who don't know) my mom in the far left corner of the room , so in my world post stroke at least at that point, not in the room, An my Husband ,cousin,mother and father-in-law were all some where in the room and my sister -in-law was trying to spoon feed me? Whew thefact that I even remember that 1\2 of them were there is amazing but anyway on to where the humor is.

You have to understand that most of these people cant stand eachother so while my mom can't walk up and smack my sister-in-law for spoon feeding me like a child (even though she likely would have resorted totrying to feed me that wat her self if given the chance) she can find something or somene to pick at, she picks a nurse to complain too and get this, her complaint....the controls on the left side of the bed don't work. So this poor nurse who is trained to just keep her mouth shut is looking at her like umare you serious? When I chime in with" uh mom, I don't really think that's a concern for them when the left side of me doesn't work" everyone laughed but mom and the nurse, I think the nurse laughed later. When I finally read through my medical records I found entries for days like these that stated things like inappropriate behavior.

Inappropriate behavior? Who determines what is or is not appropriate behavior for someone after a traumatic event? I don't think my humor was the inappropriate behavior they should have been worried about, that should have been encouraged, and don't get me wrong, by some it was, but most were wary of it. They should have been worried about my anger, and yes the humor covered up some of it but I let a whole lot of it out! I haven't stopped since. See the Humor gave me a shield to hide behind and the Anger was my weapon to fight with, except as I said yesterday I was hiding from myself, and instead of my family and I fighting together we were fighting one another I was looking for revenge against doctor's who didn't see what was right in front of their faces. Who didn't hear what I was screaming at them, who didn't listen to what their colleagues told them, and in fighting for all of those things, I was tearing myself apart.

I was thinking about all of this last night, and I don't claim to be world wise, or phillisophical, or even insightful. I am no saint, I don't think that I will be able to chang over night but If I can take baby steps then I am winning. See what I was thinking about was that everyday I make lists, what do I have to do today? I check my many calanders. I make my many appointments. I check and I re check. I plan for tomorrow, And when tomorrow comes I worry that I may have forgotten something yesterday. Now how much fuckin sense does that make to you? But we all do it don't we? An what happens... when we've planned so much and tommorrow doesn't come? is it really worth it? I was 24 I got the chance to find out and it wasn't, an I tell myself every day I'll just do this one last thing then i'll take the kids for a walk, or I just have to get this homework done and we'll go to the park, and that 1 more thing turns into 2 and 3 and 4. We let to many things distract us, we waste our 2nd and 3rd chances to fix things.
Are we really such a dense species that we think we get a never ending supply of chances? I guess I don't. So On that Note It's Mother's Day!!!!! This is my 1 last thing, I am dressed my shoes are on and I am walking out the door to play with my kids!!! Times a wasting guys!! have a good one ! happy mothers day

Find some way to laugh through the tears!!!!!

How should I start?

First I guesss I should start out by saying; I am not a doctor, I do not claim to be giving out any medical adivice, I am not writing this to trash doctors and\or lawyers, if you are having signs\symptoms of a stroke call 911 immediately!





Ok with that out of the way I would like to say that I typically write in a journal and have never thought to use a blog before today. however, in light of recent events I feel that this is the best way for me to "stop screaming" (pun intended) and start getting people to hear what I have to say. Some may not like it, some may think it unimportant, some may even think i'm crazy or full of shit, and to those people... that's okay you don't have to read it.. or do, maybe I am providing you entertainment value? Like my teacher tells me all the time, I am not here to teach you anything you don't already know, I am here to give you information from my point of view, hear me out, keep what you want and throw the rest in the trash. Yes teach if you ever read this I really do listen!





So here we go, but not in chronological order because I feel like it's important to explain why I am suddenly cheating on my ever faithful journal and turning to the newer younger temptress, the blog, with millions of shoulders to cry on.





Yesterday turned out to be the final blow from the last lawyer in a very long line of medical malpractice lawyers in the last two years. April 28, 2009 I recieved a call from the lawyer who had been my "referral guy" apologizing for the latest catastrophe and telling me there was just one more person I just had to see so against the advice of my mother. I figured I would give it one last shot. I agreed to the meeting and, well I guess I'll just call him Referrel guy( I don't want to violate anyones privacy on here)before we hung up referral guy told me he would personally be transferring my mountian of records from the Siren(the prev. lawyer lots of promises, none of them kept, sucks all of the life and energy out of you) to Mr. Last Chance (i'm going out on a limb that we don't need an explanation here?). So all week I worried, my mom worried, friendsand family worried, an then I though AHA I figured out where I 've been going wrong!!!


You see the thing is, when some one walks in to an emergency room or actually doesn't walk, with signs of a stroke, the Nurses and Doctors are supposed to be trained to recognize this. From the onset of symptoms a clock starts ticking (they don't show you that in their PSA's do they?) you have around 3-4 hours before your window closes but thats not the time line I wanna discuss yet, we will get to it though, I promise. So anyway, the other clock, it's a clock for the doctor's it gives them a schedule, x amount of minutes to get patient to cat scan, x amount of time to place i.v., and so on and so forth. Ok so now that I have explained that we have to clocks lets give them names for clarification. The clock that starts when your symptoms do I'm going to call the TPA clock, and the clock that starts when you walk into the ER I'm going to call the standard of care time line or SCT okey dokey now that I have lost half of you and the other half are sick of reading already I will FINALLY get back to my point.


The other lawyers and myself were all focusing on the TPA time line, which was roally screwed for all intensive purposes but that didn't matter because it's to hard to prove. We needed to focus on the SCT timeline. Even though the doctor's and nurses followed absolutely no protocol whatsoever, The TPA timeline is something that is a set thing it effects each patient there are factors besides time which will dtermine wether or not a patient can have the drug or not and either way after the window of time is shut it's shut that is a scientific thing not a doctors decision. This is not something I can fight about.


I can however fight About the fact that I did not recieve the care I deserved in a timely manner as stated by the American Stroke Association. So in thinking about that I did exactly what my mother and friends feared I would do... I started to hope.


And on Friday morning with a very queasy stomach I called my husband for support, waited for my poor mother to pick me up and together, along with my son we drove to what I was sure to be the end of my journey. In A lot of ways it was, just not how I thought.


We talked about nothing and everything , I complained per-usual about her driving, she searched for a golden-arched resturaunt for a coke ( a 20-oz wouldn't do?) she talked on her phone while I yelled at her choice of directions, the tension so thick it radiated from the car in waves.


When we got there I was immediately overwhelmed with emotion, my 1st.. to march(which would not have been very attractive) in the office and tell Mr. Last Canch to open his damn eyes and take a good look at my records, an then tell me he wasn't gonna take my case. My 2nd, turn tail and run crying back to the car, admit defeat, crawl home and wallow in self pity. 3rd Go down fighting. I can't really decide which way I went, but I think my mom would say I was the bigger person. Maybe someone else can tell me?


We walked in the building heads high, rode the elevator practically into the clouds and went in to see Mr. Last Chances Assistant. I allowed myself to be distracted from the situation by a problem with my memory card in my phone while I let my mother answer a few questions and I fought to gain control over my emotions, interjecting an answer when I felt it necessary. Then when I was calm enough I started adding things, except I might have done so to soon because my words were coming out so fast and the thoughts were coming even faster, before I knew it The hope that had been obliterated so many , many times before wanted so badly to break free, and it almost did.


The Assistant excused herself from the room and brought in Mr. Last Chance. An see heres the thing, When Doctors and lawyers can't look directly at you when they enter a room they aren't wanting to see you as a person, which means they don't wanna feel bad when they crush you. ( probably a really bad way to put it but you get the idea.) At this point I made sure I looked into his eyes just to prove to myself I could do it, and I then started gathering my records for a fast get away incase my mother or I threw him to the pavement from the window of the cloud high office, An steeled myself for yet another let down. Over the next few minutes I listened to the same thing I had heard over the last 2 years almost to the letter I mean really do they ha a hidden audio recording somewhere in the office? (let down speech #1 press button to the right of chair 2 inches over under desk 2nd chair from door meeting room 1?) Well anyway, mom did what she always does, protective mom mode, I went into defensive, shutdown, say the wrong thing and i'll pounce mode and the lawyer just calmly explained. When I do the play back in my headit's all like a slow motion scene with a montage of the sirens office, the other lawyers, the er, all kinds of stuff wrapped in and then we end in me getting into the car.

the whole ride home was spent keeping a smile pasted on my face , for my moms benifit and the repetitive mantra i'm fine i'm fine in mine head. I had the headache of all headaches and cramps to boot, cause just my luck my damn period started yesterday morning too. So even though my mom thought I was gonna break into a zillion pieces when she left my house and I could tell she didn't want to, she did anyway. I grabbed a book a pop and a phone and sat down on the couch like it was just any other day, later I picked up my daughter from school and talked to my mom on the phone. Things were normal. Everyone's Just waiting for me to break.

So here's the catch and the moral of todays entry. I talked to the Referral guy again last night and explained what happened and he tried to give me more hope for another lawyer, and I turned him down. That was the catch. The suprise was that None of this set in until later last night when I was talking to my daughter about some emotional problems shes having at school. you see, sh's much smaller than most of the kids her size and when this bugs her and they pick on her or point it out she gets angry and acts like a brat at home. So I was explaing that in life we have to make choices, she doesn't get to have a choice to be big or small, just as I didn't get to chose wether or not to have a stroke. But we do get to chose how we handle the choices that are made for us, we can handle them by talking them out with friends and family and trying to come up with a better solution and a way to figure it out, or we can bottle it all up and be angry.



So through 2 years 4 lawyers hundreds of doctors\ specialists appointments, thousands of dollars in phonebills, oceans of tears more broken hearts than I can count., My 7 year old Daughter taught me that I was chosing to fight for all the wrong reasons, in all the wrong ways with all the wrong people.



Is my journey over? Not by a long shot, I'm just chosing the higher road!
so you all tomorrow


Happy mothers day mom that one was just for you!
s